Indefinable States of Me

5/17/23

Hi there! Welcome to my first blog post. Although, I would consider it more of a written podcast. Is there a term for that? Anyways, let me just start out by saying I’m not quite sure what this is yet. All I know is that I have a lot to say, and have a lot of words to get out of my mouth. I could get on here and give you my life story and all that, but I’m not sure I want to. Not because of anything particular, but because I myself don't think it is that important. The past three years of my life have been a rocky road, full of ups and downs. But to say the least, there have been more downs than I anticipated. Now this isn't so you have pity for me, in fact please don't.

Ok, so we've all heard the stereotypical concept of journaling, right? Well, to my surprise, it is works really well for me to process my “feelings”. Ew, sometimes I hate that word. Feelings. Anyways, that is besides the point here. I started journaling about two years ago, but it was off and on. I didn’t really know how to do it, and I felt like I was doing something wrong. I soon discovered the trick. Get this, you can't do it wrong! That is the whole point. It quickly became something I did when life became too much. Sometimes it was cohesive, and sometimes it was not. Something it was words, sometimes, believe it or not, it was not. It was a scribble on a piece of paper. My emotions got the best of me. But guess what, like I said, there wasn't a wrong way to do it. Sometimes, all you need is a scribble on a piece of paper.

So now you are probably wondering, how did I end up here? Well, I guess it can be assumed that I wanted to have another outlet for my brain mush. So, this is it. I am here to write, and write, and write. But not only that. I am also here to maybe make you think a little bit. Maybe even inspire you to write. Remember, there is no wrong way anyways? Maybe, you too are in a situation where you need to get brain mush out. Or maybe that is too much to fathom, because at one point it was for me. Either way, it will need to come out. This is my way to get it out, but who knows, it could just be a phase. And I am okay with that.

To give a little more context, I’ve learned that people can feel the exact same emotion in completely different contexts, and still find relief in knowing they are not alone. After making my first big move out of my hometown, I had never felt more alone in my life. I didn't feel alone, because I didn't have my support system close. I was alone due to my thoughts. I’m not going to go into detail, because that, again, doesn't matter. But instead I am going to say, I was scared. I was scared of my thoughts, and how I might act on them, how I felt about them, and what they mean. I avoided them, making life extremely challenging. I couldn't be alone, but I also couldn't be around much before the thoughts became louder. This left me in the gutter of my own mind. I didn't want to think about them, so of course I wasn't about to go spill my guts to the world. This left me alone and to my own devices. That only lasted so long before it turned into some unhealthy coping mechanisms that will probably be alluded to later on. But now here I am, writing it down. To tell you, you will find a way. Where there is a will, there is a way. So come along with me while I speak… or write I guess, and hopefully you can find meaning in it.