Surrendering to whatever is underneath

7/8/23

I used to grieve who I used to be. But now time has passed and I wallow in who I have become. I search, then stumble right back down. After three years of pretending, I feel pretty defeated. And after three years, I am not even sure what “good” is supposed to feel like. There is a wall built between me and happiness, that I can only seem to peer through.

Two years ago, I sat in my car trying to numb out my feelings. Sobbing in a target parking lot where nobody I knew could see me in the thick of it. Partly due to embarrassment. But also because I didn't have words. All there was, was some tears streaming down my face in an unexplainable manner. I tried to numb my feelings away with food and without food. Turns out neither works.

My need for control seemed to morph into feeling out of control at the same time. Trying to find control in a place where everything was uncertain. Uncertainty being the driving force of pain for me. Life seemed to only be manageable if I understood myself fully, and what would happen next.

I wish that I could look at life directly in the eye and say, “bring it on”. But that seems like a distant wish of mine. My purpose had disappeared, and so has my love for life. Every dream and aspiration I had was gone in a matter of just a couple months. And to be quite frank, it still is. I can pretend to have self compassion and all that but if I don’t believe it, nothing will ever change for me. The process of finding my purpose and desire for life again has been a long grueling process. It feels like I just keep getting pushed down at times. Like I keep getting pushed back down to the bottom of the ocean, being pinned down at a depth that is not even sustainable for human life. What keeps me going is something you might call the slightest bit of hope. But, I call it willpower.

Through the past two years, I have found what triggers and exasperates my eating disorder. I didn’t know this at the time, but my eating disorder served a really big purpose in my life. Because I couldn’t feel like shit for no reason. I found a reason. It was a way to ask for help. Without it, I wouldn’t even be writing about this right now. But I also know that whatever is underneath still doesn't have words. And whatever those words are, I may never share. At least not here. But, never say never I guess?

I can’t keep gaslighting myself into thinking I am okay. Because when you think you are better off gone than you are alive at a certain weight… It is time to reevaluate. And when you think starving yourself is the only way to communicate…. It's time to take a step back. No matter how important something may be, your life is the most important thing and should come above all other priorities. Even the biggest achievements are smaller than life itself.

Instead of trying to pry for an answer to why someone is not okay… how about the first question is, “are you okay?”. Hurt people, hurt people. But sometimes, hurt people help other hurt people. I’m not exactly where that came from in my brain, but I guess it really is something that resonates with me. Because the people I have been able to open up most to are the people that didn’t need the “why?”. They were the people that see and understand the pain for what it is. It is the sheer understanding of life and the things that go along with it. So why don’t we just start by checking in on people, instead of solving their problems. Because most peoples stressors in life are not a quick fix. Or something that they even know how to fix. Why fix what just needs to be cared for?

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't actually know. I don’t know what is going on and how to solve any of it anymore. And instead of fighting, all I am able to do is surrender. Because there is no other option for me. And as odd as it is, I feel the largest sense of relief knowing that I don’t know. That means sitting in the pain, but not letting it control me. But also sitting in the joys of life while I can. So instead of beating myself up for being lazy, how about I just say “I don't know what is going on, but I know I need a break”. Because whether I understand it or not, I know it has taken everything out of me. So let me be lazy. Maybe then I will find motivation for the things I love on my own again.