Questions

5/17/23

OK. I’ve got some things to say, or maybe ask. Change and regret are part of life that are inevitable. 18 year old me didn’t know that, apparently. My past experience is something that changed me in ways I didn't anticipate after moving across the country alone. I’ve realized that no matter how many words I try to fuse, mash, and blend together, there will be no way of truly showing the amount of pain I was in at the time. This is both relieving and overwhelming simultaneously. And, no I do not regret putting myself into this situation, but the feelings that sometimes still occur make me question whether it was the right choice or not.

Okay so I said I may have a question to ask, so the question I am going to ask is this: Did you spend years getting to know yourself and understand yourself, until your world you know turned upside down instantly and somehow to th is day you can't flip yourself back up? And you know, maybe its not about flipping myself back up, maybe it's about finding comfort in the upside down. I’m not sure what the answer to that is, to be completely honest. I spent years romanticizing the way my life would look 15, 20, 50, and 70 years down the line. Now all I can see is tomorrow. Tomorrow comes, and I think about the next day after that. Until a couple years pass, and I am still at square one.

Next question is: Are you able to visualize your future, whether that be (in your perception) positive or negative? You know, I can’t even picture it. I see tomorrow, today, and every day prior. I guess you could say I live in the present, which to most people is probably something good. But for me, being unable to picture my future is something that sends my bring to outer space. Probably landed on the moon by now. Or burnt up in the sun.

If my brain is burnt up in the sun, and my life stays just like this 15, 20, 50, 70 years down the line, then why keep going? I live by my values, and one of the values that I hold closest to me is something out of reach. I push past a lot of feelings and a lot of hardships in life (and I know that might not even be healthy, oops!), but this I don't even consider a hardship, I would consider a BIG FAT QUESTION MARK. With an intense amount of anxiety and distrust involved with it. I understand that nothing is permanent in life, but this is. This feeling has walls built around it that are miles deep. But the silly thing to me, is that it isn't much of a feeling, as it is absolutely nothing. There is no feeling to get to, when there is nothing there to retrieve.

So nobody can sit here and tell me everything will be okay, when they don't fully understand. Nobody can sit here and tell me life is worth it, when they don't fully understand. Nobody can sit here and offer advice, for a situation that has more to it than what is on surface level. And I don't care anymore if people get it, because maybe they just aren't supposed to, after all it is my story. In the end though, it leaves me stuck, stuck, stuck. So stuck, my brain ends up in outer space.

That turned out to be a lot more serious than I thought it would. As much as I want to make these light hearted and fun, I can't do that 100% of the time. Because that is not how life is. My intention behind making these is to shed light on… well… life. And life is not rainbows and butterflies all the time. As much as I wish it was. These are supposed to be authentic. And if that means writing an entry that is far from joyful, then so be it. Because this is real life. Not what you see on TV or the fake facade people put on for the world.