I don't have to much to say

6/10/23

I forget who I am sometimes. I forget that I am full of life and love. Because when it gets rocky, I tend to go right back into auto pilot. Whether I am here, or whether I am there, I save myself through ritualistic patterns. I don't know what it is, but something inside me tells me in order to survive, you have to keep yourself in order. Because if you stray away from what you know, then what could be beyond that? I don't care how picture perfect my life is, because in the end, where will that lead me anyways. No where.

I speak, I use my voice. Next thing you know I scream… just not with words. Because my voice was not heard. I shout, then I fade. I fade into the person I am expected to be. Because expectations hold structure. And structure leaves zero room for uncertainty.

I don't have many words right now. I’ll take that back. I have a lot of words, not many statements. Just questions. Who am I without it? Who am I with it? Who am I there? Who am I here? Who am I with them? But, who am I with them? Who was I? And then, who did I become? I don't know how life is supposed to be lived when all there are, are some open ended questions. Self destructive patterns at some point, don’t really matter to me. Because pretending to be okay, and actually feeling okay are two completely different things.

But now, there is only one question I have the answer to. That is, what do I want to give to people? And the answer I have to that is love. Because I know for a fact, everyone needs it. And I know that sounds super stereotypical and basic. But I don’t really care. Because if I have nothing else to give, that is what it will be. Although, I need to learn how to give some to myself sometimes.