From Pain to Purpose and Dignity

7/16/23

In the past week or so, I have gotten to know the other side of myself. The side of me that can’t keep doing the same thing. I’ve silenced the part of me filled with shame, and listened to the part that is purely in pain and distress. Every time my creativity has sparked in the past week, I have written a few sentences. These sentences have developed into paragraphs and now a blog post I guess. I suppose that is what life looks like sometimes, too. Then little by little, things become clear. What has become clear to me is something I never even wanted to admit to myself. But so much anxiety has subsided in the back of my mind to create a more “me” version of myself. I didn’t “choose” to see this, it chose me. Out of nowhere, things finally decided to make an appearance and show me what I really need to feel better.

It has been a long time since I have felt the way I feel right now, and I can’t even explain what it is. Maybe I am feeling some sort of passion, but I also think it has some anger in the mix. I think I have reached a point where I genuinely can say I deserve more than I have been given, and my work does not align with opportunity. I am also in a place to say that I genuinely can not put myself back into the same place I was before, because my life is more important than that. If I am doing everything I can to be my best and it still isn’t good enough, then nothing can outweigh the dignity I have to leave. There are so many places in this world I want to see, and so many things I want to do, that it makes me almost shiver. What about every other aspect of my life I am missing out on setting my sights on a place that I will never be enough for. What about the people I could get to know, and the places I have not yet been? What about the future I still have? When you have nothing to lose anymore, all you can do is gain. Because at this point, life experiences have made me the person I am. I have been through so much shit, but I don’t regret any of it. Because I have opened my mind to things most people push aside.

I have always had a hard time validating myself. But, it is something I am getting better at. After taking every other distraction and stressor out of my life for a while, I’ve realized that the most important thing in this life is your health. Who the fuck cares about your million dollar car or your thriving career when you are 6ft under ground? I look at my 18, 19, and 20 year old self and want to just give her a hug. I was not able to fully look at myself in that way before because I was still trying to survive. And the way I act right now is exactly how I should be acting. The word “should'' meaning the reaction that will naturally happen in the situations I have been in. So, I may not be proud of my actions all the time, but it is just part of being human. I am not going to beat myself up for it anymore, because let's be real here. I don’t have anything to apologize for, and this healing process is taking WAY longer than I want it to. But 3 years of pain can’t heal in 3 months. So if I am in a place that doesn’t allow me to be me, I don’t belong there. I am in pain right now, and I will not let it take over me, but will let it come along for the ride. There is no time restraint, and pushing the process only slows it down.

I don’t understand how something that was once my pride and joy, turned into my livelihood, turned into my way to express, and then turned into a dead end. Although maybe it's not a dead end, maybe it is a cross road. If you can’t turn back, then you have to make a choice to go forward. You also can’t stay where you are. I would not have said this even maybe a week ago, but being vulnerable is better than having a fake sense of power. Because the person underneath that power is someone so fragile and delicate they can barely be touched. The place that I love to be, has turned into a place of fear. I am one of the hardest working people I know, but when it all comes down to it, I am so tired. Tired of working through fears and pretending I am not scared. So maybe the hard work comes in the form of saying “no” to what pains me. To the unrealistic standards that my career has on me, and the loss of my passion. Maybe there is more out there for me.

The other day, I took my speaker, my socks downstairs into my dance room. I turned on music and started moving. 5 minutes later I found myself crying out of the pure passion I still have for dance. But the reality is that I don’t know how to go back to a place that has weighed me down. I spent a year trying to recover in the place where I felt like I lost everything. Compounding traumas and pain just kept stacking on top of each other, and it has bogged me down. When I used to dance, I felt the energy pulse in my body. Now it feels like it holds a place in my core, but doesn’t reach my finger tips. It doesn’t radiate out of me. The pain sits inside of me while I hollow out the person that was once in there. So, how do I fill myself back up again?

I have tried to find purpose in pain, but it has become something self destructive. I see my path as something I never want anyone to experience. Creating a hyper awareness to those around me. I remember about a year ago trying to find my purpose in the mix of chaos and sitting there thinking “If I can’t find a reason to live, then my reason is to help save others” but the truth is that in that I neglect myself from my own happiness and goals. Making others happy makes me happy. But not happy enough to keep living. I can’t fill up a cup with an empty cup myself. So other than saving others, why am I here? Maybe it is to see the world, but also share the world. My world. So, that passion I was talking about earlier, is actually life and adventure coming back to me I think. Because I would lose everything and more just to feel alive again.

Time is healing, but healing takes time. I have been bouncing between needing someone, but not needing anyone at all. Because I know exactly what I need, I just want someone else to tell me the same thing. I don’t want validation or opinions from anyone anymore about my life. Because guess who has lived through everything I've experienced? Me. And only me. So why question if my choice is right or not? I know me best, and that is that.

So let me lose everything, at least I will live.