A Mish Mash of Thoughts

6/1/23

GOOD NEWS! I have plentyyyy of time on my hands now, so get ready for a lot of blogs. I am currently sitting on one of three flights back home. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, because to be honest, I don't want to be doing this right now. Sometimes though, I guess you don't have to like something to know it is good for you. I suppose that is what is causing so much confusion in my mind right now.

I keep typing and then deleting what I wrote, because I don't have words for how I am feeling right now. There has been so much weight lifted off my shoulders. Yet I still feel so uneasy about everything.

You know, I think I can be a pretty codependent person sometimes… and I don’t think that is something I am proud of, because I don’t want to be tethered to other people's opinions of me. Sometimes, I think that if I have at least one person in my life, that everything will be okay. But I need to make myself that ONE person. Not to say having people in your life is a bad thing, but relying on other peoples reassurance to feel okay is not healthy. This summer I will be all by myself. Maybe not in literal terms, but figuratively. And in that, I can’t give up on myself like I have before.

I have no room to hide. I don’t have the time or energy to act “okay” all the time. Been there, done that. Everything slowly started to float to the surface. And now here I am coming to terms with that. The thing is, I’m not even sure how to be my “authentic self” anymore. I think that parts of her were taken away at one point, but some of those parts never even showed up to begin with.

I don’t like the word “healing”. I think it's annoying, because what does that even mean? It is sort of a way of “curing” what is wrong. In my mind, to cure something is to fix something in a literal way. You don’t just read some self-help books and say, “HEY! I’M HEALED (OR CURED)!!”. You don’t take an epsom salt bath, and go on a walk. Sure, a lot of those things may feel good, but they don't just have the power to “heal” you. Well…. they don't heal me at least. Believe it or not, there was a point where I felt so out of body that I couldn’t stand long enough to go on a walk. So, if that is healing, then I was unable to do so. It's crazy to think your brain can manifest physical symptoms. Long story short, you can’t just be fixed. I don’t know exactly where I heard this, but at some point in the past few months, I heard someone say that none of us are broken. We are actually working the way we should, and our brain reacts to situations just the way they should. Therefore, they are not broken. Sure, you may think you are having an adverse reaction, but in reality, it is just past experiences that shaped that. Sure, there is an imbalance in your brain (maybe?), but that was created from a lot of pain in your past.

If I had to replace the word “healing” with something else, it would be “balance”. Because it's life, and in life you can’t just be healed. If I’m healed, that means I have to be perfectly healed. And that would mean I would just be perfect. And, I’m not… it's not black and white. I react, I fall, and I can be sensitive at times. Maybe those emotions can stay for a while, and slowly start to show up in a less prominent way. Maybe it's just about being LESS reactive. I think that's where I got hung up this year, I was STILL trying to heal my wounds, while simultaneously not moving through them and actually feeling them out. That was a mistake, because look where it landed me.

I have a lot on the line, and if I don’t actually let myself feel and rest, I’m going to lose a lot. A lot of what I worked hard for in the past 3 years. I stayed and fought because I wanted it. But when you can’t stand in front of a mirror without tearing yourself to pieces, maybe it is a sign that a break is due. Maybe when emotions start flowing out of you from nowhere, it is a sign that a break is due. And maybe, just maybe…. When someone else comes to you to tell you you aren’t okay, a break is due.

I look back at myself 3 years ago and think about what I “should have done” in the situation I was in. Looking back now, I should have dropped everything completely, and helped myself. Because I was the furthest thing from okay. Unfortunately, I didn’t do that, and I couldn't have. Now, here I am. Bouncing between the idea that I need to hold onto what I have because if I don’t I will lose everything, and the idea that I NEED to let myself just be for a while so I can get help and feel okay again. This time around, I chose to drop everything for a minute. And that, that, was a hard choice. So, why is it so hard to tell my present self that versus when I am looking at my younger self? I really would have never thought I would be in a place to decide that my life itself is more important than my career, but right now… it is. I think it's because I value my worth on my success, and without success I am worthless. I know that isn’t true, but deep down in my guts, I will always tell myself that. But I think in the end, dropping everything for a moment will allow me to pick everything up again, but stronger.

I chose the career I did because it makes me feel like my best self. AND NO, not in a success driven way. In a THIS IS ME kind of way. But lately, I can't find that. Because, I have dug myself into a deep hole without even realizing. I’m sure I've written this so many times, and you are probably sick of it, but my drive is not there. My drive was there before THIS (whatever this is, anyways). And all I want is for it to be back. Because [I.S me] is not herself without it.

I am so incredibly thankful for the life I have discovered in the past two years. I am not going to say EVERYTHING happens for a reason, but SOME things do. I have people in my life that truly love me and care about me. And, well, these people came into my life when I needed them. If I didn’t have them, I can tell you right now, I would not even be writing this right now. I would either be 6ft down in that hole I dug, or deep in my shit. So deep, I would be coming close to 6ft. But Instead, here I am. Maybe deep in my shit, but hopeful. Motivated to get out of it. 2 bad bads, but 5 good days. You know how I know people care? Because they go out of their way to just sit there with me. Sit with the shit. And maybe call me out. And if you’re reading this right now, you know who you are ;). And I hope you know you make my life a whole lot better. Because you're right, this is hard, and I have my doubts. But this time around, I feel different. I don’t feel good, in fact, I feel kinda horrible. But I feel one million times lighter than I did even a week ago. Because I know, in the end, there will be a way out. Someone wise (You still know who you are ;)) once said to be “the only way out is through”, and I have come to hold onto that with every part of me. There is no end, if you don't walk through the dark first.

That was one longgggg entry. But what can I say? I have a lot on my mind. And don’t worry there is more to come.